I’ve been thinking a lot about religion, war, peace and just how frivolous my life can seem. Watching a documentary called Jesus Camp, I couldn’t help getting frustrated at the preaching and brainwashing. The guilt the young children were made to feel about joking and laughing with their friends at school or being “unholy” in anyway seemed cruel and unfair.
Half of me wanted to bash the adults around the head and say “wake up!” and the other half could see their counter point. The ‘want’ and ‘need’ in the parents to keep their child safe and loved and prepare them for a life that would end in heaven and not hell.
These parents truly believe that one day both themselves and their children will be judged. Well, who am I to question their way of living or their beliefs? I expect people to let me live the way I want, so of course, they are totally entitled to live their lives the way they want.
Growing up in a Roman Catholic Convent School I was very religious. So were my grandparents and so was my mother. People around me that I respected and loved believed it, so why wouldn’t I? I used to pray everyday for 8 years, I started when I was 10. I continued on my religious path as a candle barer at Mass, that lead to the position of Head of Liturgy for my house at school and finally becoming a Eucharistic Minister, which is basically someone who can give out wine and wafers at Mass.
I still sometimes feel the seductive pull of religion. The peace it can offer you. If you just follow these rules, everything will be ok. The lord will look after you. If something terrible happens, it’s a lesson from God to teach you something. If something wonderful happens it’s God rewarding you.
Basically you absolve yourself from the responsibility and work of creating your own path, challenging yourself and views by following one that has already been planned out for you, very kindly, by God. It’s a full proof way YOU will never fail at anything in life.
I no longer believe in any of that. But I do believe there is something out there, something bigger than us, something we will always question but never really understand.
I suppose I wrote this because I could see how worried the Jesus Camp children were about people who they believed to be living in sin. They truly care for our souls. So this is for any of you out there who wonder if I’m worried I will go to hell for being a lesbian or think you should try to save me from it.
I don’t believe that who I am means I will go to hell. I don’t believe that there is a hell, or a heaven. But on the off chance that you’re right and I’m wrong, I think I’d rather end up in hell with all the other lesbians because that is my idea of heaven.