Looking out of my window, enjoying a beer and maybe a cheeky cigarette (don’t tell mum). I can’t help but think about the fact that I’m over 30, divorced and destined for a life filled with searching and learning as opposed to continuity and certainty.
At my age I should be eating organic food, doing yoga and planning a future, but I’m not. I want to take care of myself and be wise about my life choices, but for some reason it’s just not as interesting as seeing what happens if I don’t focus on all the things I’m “supposed” to.
I guess I’ve realized that we are all just here, just for this time, so we should enjoy every moment of it. I’m not sure exactly why I’m here yet, but I am sure I don’t want to spend time worrying about a future that may or may not happen. I love creating and experiencing, I want to leave behind something that is beyond myself. I say this on a blog that’s all about me, which is ironic to say the least.
Listening to people speak about the atrocities that take place all over the world, to families, children, particularly in Palestine right now. And to those who are in the LGBT community, in countries where they are being persecuted for it, makes me feel small. Makes my problems insignificant and muffles the hype of London.
But what can we do about it? Can we really help those suffering in this world? Can we really make change? I suppose in my little way that’s what I’m trying to do with the documentary I’ve made. Because deep down I know that just helping one person is enough. If one person just helped one other person, maybe this world would be a different place.
I can’t help notice that when I focus on creating something to help others, I’m truly happy and everything flows so easily. It’s when I get distracted by success, that’s when I fall by the wayside. Why is ensuring our own personal success so seductive? At times it can feel like the most important thing, but I’m recognising each day how trivial it is.
Sometimes a person will pop up and make me question my decisions and motives. On reflection maybe I should take better care of myself (*puts down beer and cigarette*), I am fortunate to have a healthy body. Today I’m just grateful to be living in a country that affords me the rights every human should have, I’ll leave figuring everything else out to tomorrow.