Weird weird weird! Recently I had an experience where I was basically a full time girlfriend to someone who didn’t want to tell anyone about me.
Her reason? I was the first girl she was with so she didn’t know what she felt. Fair enough! 6 months down the line we were seeing each other 3-4 times a week and we’d fallen in love. Because we were spending so much time together, her friends were becoming my friends. At times I’d have to lie to them about where we were what we were doing. I realised I really didn’t like that feeling.
It’s funny because the relationship I had with my ex-husband started in the same way except minus the gay aspect, obviously! We kept things hidden from everyone. Created our own little world and played in it until we were forced to be honest about it. We did a lot of lying back then too.
If she wasn’t ready to take the step of letting other people know the truth about our relationship then I certainly wasn’t going to make her. That’s her journey, not mine. Her choice, not mine.
What is my choice is what I can take from the experience and how to look at the problem I was having. It was only a problem to me, no one else, not her, not her friends, not my family, just me. So instead of placing the blame on; circumstance, timing, someone else choices, I chose to look at it like this.
Is this a pattern of mine? Is this actually a fault in my perspective on the relationship and not in the relationship itself? Do I use relationships as a form of escape from the “real” world? Do I use problems in relationships to keep my distance? I’d have to say, after writing this, yes to all of the above.
Just being aware and able to ask myself these questions, regardless of the answers takes all the power out of the very problem I found so difficult to navigate at the time.
As more and more time passes I realise that my problems are all MY problems and that only I can solve them… but I can solve them!
On that note, I have to say thank you to you for reading this. Today it was posted on Canadian HerSheMag’s wall and I’m being asked to give LGBT talks to young troubled kids and that wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t been reading it! SO THANK YOU!
Now, I must put out the incense stick and make sure I don’t buy a cat…. things are getting far to Zen in here! ha ha